Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
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A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
A friend sent me this.
