Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press