Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.