Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

she has a point

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

This is a sub tweet

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.