Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
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This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Grandpa
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you