Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

Just organising my finances.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

Put this video in the Louvre

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

*files a restraining order against reality*

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.