WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
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supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”