Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat