Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?