Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?