wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
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I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I鈥檓 gonna respond with: you think that鈥檚 bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It鈥檚 brown.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Cake!!
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
THERAPIST: you鈥檙e always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.