@KeetPotato

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

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@shutupmikeginn

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

@murrman5

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

@Tharin_P

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

@Kyle_Lippert

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

@Naggalie

I ordered a coffee and the barista asked what size. I told her size didn’t matter. We laughed. Then she gave me an extra large coffee.

@Shock_Monster

The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.

@Ohaiqtpie

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

@david8hughes

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

@lotusflowerom

Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.

@2tickytacky

Four uses I have for my guitar now:

1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing