My life in a nutshell
You Might Also Like
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them