Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

Always a housemaid, never a house.

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

how DARE

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about