Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.