Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.