Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order