Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

Me: yeah we should hang out!
Person checks their phone when you free?
Me: *disappeared*

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

I hate when someone gets on the treadmill right next to me at the gym because I’m worried they may ask me to share my Doritos.

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”