Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.