Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
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My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is