Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

I’m going to need a moment here.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Nose

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.