Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

I’m calling the cops.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.