Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

Posting this on behalf of a friend

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Pickled cat.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?