Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who’s your best friend?

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

motivation

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history