Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

Short story

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

HOW DARE YOU