Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.