WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
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(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.