Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.