*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number