Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35