*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
79.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
meow
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.