Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

#Caturday

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

mood

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

channeling her this year

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.