wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
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My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Jogging
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.