WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
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Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling