Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.