Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

#MeanwhileinCanada

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.