Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My friend is an excellent librarian.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges