Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
the composer
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do