Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Boom, boom, ching!
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!