Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!