Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

*frowns in Scottish*

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip