Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

He’s cranky this morning

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

wish me luck lads

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Matthew was born for this.