Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me