Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Something Saturday.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.