Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.