Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Close call…
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
A bold strategy
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My first child will be named New Folder.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
crochet youtube is brutal
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre