Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
went fishing caught a bass
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?