wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Always the camel, never the toe.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine