Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

A friend helps you before you need it

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect