Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’