Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.