Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Imma just leave this here…………