Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

ㅤ

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla