Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.