wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
cats when you pet them too long:
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol