wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
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Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…