wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
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Take care of yourself, ladies
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often