Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Black Friday “markdowns” like

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?