WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
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[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.