Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haha good job!!

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.