WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
You Might Also Like
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
wtf is a larm clock?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.