Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

Support your local cemetery

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.