WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
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Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Well, this explains it:
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?