Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.