Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
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Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.