@NewDadNotes

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

You Might Also Like

@natedog2049

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

@SpacePlankton

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

@MarfSalvador

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

@SeanLowe09

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

@momTruthBomb

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

@ChaseMit

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@KKAlThani

My friend showed up wearing a “Narnia is real” shirt which suits him cause they both aren’t planning to come out of the closet anytime soon.

@mochanya

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.