Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My friend showed up wearing a “Narnia is real” shirt which suits him cause they both aren’t planning to come out of the closet anytime soon.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.