Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh