Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
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therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court