Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No