Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl