Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Born to be mild.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog