Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.