Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you