Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

wtf management?!

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

We’ve all been there…

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.