Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.